Darkness.

Darkness. It consumes me. Especially at night time, like right now for example. I can't sleep. And all I can think about is the negative things. Or things I've done wrong or should've done but I didn't. Like yesterday I should've posted more things to my shop and mailed out my packages. But I didn't. I could be sleeping right now, but I can't. I beat myself up mentally. I'm exhausted honestly. I'm so tired of myself. Is that even possible? To be tired of being you? I guess it is because that's exactly how I feel right now. I'm tired of being this version of "me." I want to change. I need to change. In a good way of course. But it's been a very long process. To try and train my mind to think differently, to lean to control my emotions and feelings. Some days I'm just too tired and that's when I break easily, I cry at basically anything. My feelings get hurt easily as well. I always think it's my fault.

I used to be really good at hiding my emotions and feelings. But now, now I'm an open book. You'll never know what mood I'll wake up in the next day. What emotion I'll be feeling in 5 minutes. It's a fucking roller coaster and I hate it. I just want everything to stop. I need to feel at peace with myself for once. But I feel like that day will never come.

I'm so lonely laying here in my big bed. I wish my girlfriend were here to hold me. She always makes me feel better even when my depression is drowning me.

I hate being alone. I overthink & cry for hours. Depression sucks. Fuck you depression & fuck you anxiety.

I'm too tired for this.

Rainy Days.

Here I am. Laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. Listening to the rain drops clash upon my window repeatedly. Everything seems calm on the outside. Peaceful. Yet on the inside, it's a never ending sound of silent screaming.

I always put myself in a depressed mood when it's raining. Part of me loves the weather because it reflects my mood. But the other half of me hates it because it just adds on to my already crappy mood. I tend to just stay in bed all day and ignore my adult responsibilities. I just lay there and think about everything I could/should be doing at that moment. But I just lay there in my crappy mood and let it consume me.

I let it consume me so much to the point that I have no emotion because I'm over thinking everything. And I just frankly don't care.

My mind can be a very dark place if I let it wonder too much. I've learned things recently to help keep my mind in one place. I've recently started getting back into reading books and writing. I really enjoy reading mysteries and fantasy books. I like books that are dark and secretive. Like me. I also try to write out what I'm feeling because that helps me sometimes.

I also sleep a lot when it rains. Sleep is something I lack. I get 3-4 hours of sleep every night if I'm lucky. And yes I know it's not healthy. My doctors have told me before. I've tried sleeping medicine and it knocks me out for sure but it makes it too hard for me to wake myself up if I'm have no a nightmare. It like intensifies my nightmares. So my options for now are no sleep, maybe sleep, or sleep and have nightmares. I know, it sucks.

I've been stuck in this phase of not having any motivation to do anything, and that's a sign to me that my depression is saying hello and is slowly taking over me again.

I don't want it to take over me again.

I can't let that happen.

New Voice 

Hi. I am your new voice. You’ll be hearing about my struggles with the voices in my head. There will be days where I’ll post positive stuff and then there will be days where I’ll be extremely sad. It all Depends on how I feel that day. So hopefully you all will be supporting no matter what day I may be having. Hopefully you’ll enjoy my post and find them motivating or relatable. I’m excited and nervous to start my journey. 

– Liv 

Out with the Old, In with the New

It has been several months since you have last heard from me. Life is moving quickly right now and in a few months, I FINALLY finish classes.. But the end of classes only means one thing: In just a few more months, I will no longer be a depressed college student, I will just be…. depressed. I’m very excited for what my future has to hold, and because of this, I will not be able to provide to you, my readers and my supporters.

Over the past couple of years, I have given you a window into my life and what it has been like for me to juggle classes and my depression simultaneously. This blog has acted as a “diary” where I was able to share my feelings because I have always been able to put it on paper as opposed to verbally expressing it. In return, you have shared your love and support for me and the things that I have been going through. You didn’t have to read my blog, you didn’t have to comment on my posts and you didn’t have to personally reach out, but you did and that means the world to me.

I am very fortunate to have a very close friend, who I love to death, that has always been there for me through the dark times; she too battles her demons and has a deep understanding of things that I’ve been through. She knows what it’s like to struggle with her day-to-day life while a dark figure sits on her shoulder, whispering in her ear. She is a depressed college student, and for this reason, she will be your new voice.

As of today, I am signing off for the last time, and will be handing my diary over to her to record her darkest moments in life; I only hope that you give her the same love and support that you did me. Her writing style may be different, and the appearance of the blog might change to fit her taste, but the same mental illnesses are behind the computer screen.

Thank you all so much for everything these past few years.

-Former Depressed College Student

Eye to Eye

I came eye to eye with death recently; Not my own death, but somebody else’s. Without disclosing too much information about myself, I can tell you that I work a job that allows me to be a first responder for guests who have medical problems. I am not an EMT, and I am not a medic of any kind, but at times, I have other people’s lives in my hands.

An older woman, about the age of 80 died on me recently. She had a heart attack, and even after my constant attempts at CPR, she died. I gave her CPR, like I had been trained, with tears in my eyes, knowing that she was too far gone to do anything. Her middle aged daughter was standing over me as I was trying to resurrect her mother; I will never forget the look on her face when she realized that I couldn’t. It was something out of a horror movie, the hysterical crying, the distraught pulling of me and my uniform. Other staff members of mine had to pull her away and she slumped on the floor in tears. Paramedics arrived on scene and even with all of their medical equipment, there was nothing that they could do either.

I didn’t sleep that night. I still see her anytime I close my eyes, but I have to keep reminding myself that it’s all a part of the job. I walk by the same spot where she died and I still see her laying there, my eyes begin to well up.  I see her in other guests around the same age. I see her everyday.

I was given a new perspective on death at that moment, as it was the first time that I have ever experienced death at my own fingertips. I like to believe that since was in her 80’s, she lived a full life and it wasn’t one that she had the choice of whether or not she lost it. I am also trying my best to convince myself that it also was not a choice that was up to me.

Life is a precious thing, and it can be over before you know it. Death is unforgiving and doesn’t care who you’re with or where you are. Hold those you love close, never be afraid to let somebody know that you appreciate them, and always be kind, because you never know the stories of those around you.

Thanks for reading.

We meet again

It has been nearly 10 months since I have last posted. The amount of regular posts have become smaller and smaller because I convinced myself that I was doing better, until recently.

It seems like the world has been against me lately. I have decided to take time out of my hectic class schedule to blog and have retreated from my apartment to a public space as a deterrent for anything irrational or irreversible.

My counselor has been out on maternity leave for several months and so I have been without a session for quite some time, I just tried to chat on one of those Suicide Hotline Chats (which I’ve never done before) but was told that “There are no available representatives online,” so blogging is my final step in the depressive episode chain. I suppose that I don’t really expect anybody to be following this blog anymore, as I have been absent for quite some time, but I think this post is more for me at this point than you.

I have been having a lot of trouble as of late in terms of the people that I still have in my life and how I’m lacking an adequate amount of friends who would be there as a support system. The only person I have is my girlfriend but I have been needing to vent about that recently and I have nowhere to go; Even a dedicated Suicide Hotline isn’t there when I need it.

As you know in earlier posts, my mother has attempted suicide multiple times after divorce with my father. It has been a never ending cycle of emotions being thrown at me each time I see her or talk to her. Whenever something isn’t going the way she hopes, we’re threatened by her with talk of suicide. It’s not fair sometimes, that I’m not able to focus on my own depression because I’m constantly having to deal with my mother’s. I give suggestions about things to do to distract herself; won’t follow my advice. I recommend a counselor to talk about things; refuses to go. It’s been four years since the divorce and it’s almost like it was yesterday solely based off the way she still speaks about it. Even though I’m an adult, I feel like I shouldn’t have to be in situations like this.

The end of my college career is coming up soon, and not only do I have my future to figure out, I also have to figure out what I’m going to rename this blog once I graduate. Confessions of a Depressed Former College Student? No clue, let me know if you have any suggestions in the comments below.

I lied a bit when I said that I didn’t have an adequate support system because I do have all of you. Thanks for reading.

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

It’s been 114 days since I’ve last posted, I wish I could say that was a good thing. I’ve been doing alright, but life has been so chaotic that it doesn’t feel like it’s been that long. When you’re so super busy, it all just seems to blur together and I’ve lost track of time. 

I apologize for my absence, but I do appreciate those of you who have sent me emails asking how I’ve been. The support I get from you, even when I’m not writing is why I wake up every morning. I hope to start writing more often, as it’s a therapeutic release for me. Unfortunately, with my busy schedule I haven’t been able to get in to see my counselor in months. I suppose that’s a good thing for my blog and its readers, but it’s sometimes nice to have someone who can give an unbiased opinion to matters. 

Maybe all she would hear about is how exhausted I’ve been, working full time, going to class full time and running organizations. I don’t know how I do it sometimes, but I’m grateful that I can. While I’ve been gone I was shared an infographic that I’d like to post for all of you, for more information visit the website

  
With that, I’ll be back soon! Look forward to a post in the next couple of days. In the meantime, I want to know how you’re doing! Comment below or send me an email at depressedcollegestudent@gmail.com!

#SuicidePreventionDay

September 10th was Suicide Prevention Day. I wanted to wait awhile to make a post about it, not only because I needed my time, but because there was an observation that I wanted to make.

On the 10th, I was nervous to look at my Facebook, only because of how heavy the topic would be for me. The random text messages throughout the day that said, “I’m thinking about you today,” and “I love you” were heartwarming, but the subtle reminder of what I have been through (as well as people close to me) was something that I didn’t really need that day. As open as I am about the things that I’ve been through, its still doesn’t get any easier. But here is what I observed that REALLY bothered me:

A lot of the people on my Facebook were opening up about their depression and struggle with suicide.. And a lot of people were supporting them..

Now the reason that this bothered me so much was because I only see that type of support on a day where “#SuicidePreventionDay” follows the story, and that’s only one day of the year. As soon as midnight hit that night, I no longer saw posts of Suicide Prevention but of #NeverForget and #911. The topic of Suicide is so taboo that you need the security of a National “Holiday” to blanket the thoughts of people who believe that you are just seeking attention or that it’s a cry for help. It has been nearly a month and I haven’t seen a post from anybody opening up about their own lives, but I have seen a lot of funny animal videos that people have shared! Why is it that we live in a world like that and when are things going to change?

I wish that we were able to treat every day like Suicide Prevention Day and that it was as routine as Breast Cancer Awareness or something similar. What do you think about Suicide Prevention Day?

Ask.fm

Asking questions is one of the best ways to receive and understand information. Every once in a while, I have asked for suggestions on things that you would like to hear about in regards to my blog posts and myself (without giving too much). One thing that has been difficult for people to do is voice their opinion or ask questions because they are not anonymous, and to me, that’s not fair.

Why is it that I can be anonymous, but I’m asking you for feedback without the opportunity to conceal YOUR identity?

Here’s your chance, I created an Ask.fm page which allows you to anonymously ask questions. When I answer them, they will be posted publicly on my Ask.fm page, and your name will never be shown. I would love for it to be utilized!

Here is the link:  http://ask.fm/DepressedCollegeStudent

Thank you so much for your continued support!

Today’s Top Story: Student Suffers from Depression

I was recently having a conversation with somebody about how difficult it is to take that first “Leap of Faith” and discuss depression with the people around you. I remember how difficult it was for me because the conversation was a little forced. Let me start from the beginning:

I was a Freshman in college (I’m a senior now) and I was in my Biology 101 class texting one of my closest friends when a wave of dark thoughts and emotions hit me like a ton of bricks. As I was texting her I asked, “Do you think anybody would miss me if I wasn’t around tomorrow?” To me, that was an innocent question that I feel everybody asks themselves at some point in their life, but it wasn’t so innocent to her. Later that night I was running one of my organization meetings when my RA walked in. He was a close friend of mine but has never shown interest in my organization before, and showed up halfway into the meeting so I knew that something was up. As I wrapped up my meeting, he didn’t leave with the rest of the people because he wanted to walk back to our residence hall together. As we began our trek back, covered by the blanket of the night sky, he began telling me that he heard some things that have been worrying some of the staff that was close to us and asked that I meet with our Residence Hall Director. I felt like my life began spiraling out of control because in a matter of hours, it felt like the whole world knew.

She ended up telling our Leadership Adviser because she had nobody else to go to, he was forced to report it to the Mental Health Center because it was his job, the Mental Health Center told University officials, the University told my Residence Hall Director, my RHD told my RA and that’s where things began to get out of control.

After meeting with my RHD, she suggested that I meet with a psychiatrist since the university offers free counseling services. It began as an option for me and turned into a requirement when I was later told that I needed to go and get a psychiatric evaluation done. The University requires it to make sure that I’m not “at risk” and that I’m not a “liability.” I was SO pissed at the University and my friend. Something that I didn’t want to open up about was now.. I was forced to sign a piece of paper stating that if I was ever to harm myself in any way without telling somebody, that I was to suffer “severe consequences.” Basically, they were to kick me out of school. What’s the best solution to help somebody that feels like they have no self worth? Kick them out of a place that could make their life meaningful. If you couldn’t sense the sarcasm in that, then I apologize for not making it more obvious.

It came back that I wasn’t at risk (I could’ve told them that) but I was suffering from severe clinical depression (I could’ve told them that too). It was suggested that I go to counseling even though I was absolutely terrified. I decided to give it a shot and I have been seeing the same counselor every week for the past 3 years.

At one point in time, I absolutely hated the friend that ended up reporting my depression but now, I can’t thank her enough. I believe that if she didn’t, that I may not have been around to write this post for you. Seeking help was one of the things that actually saved me and kept my brain and my heart from going through a constant battle of right and wrong. I often hear stories of other people who report their friend’s depression and how there always seems to be some sort of backlash because of it. I always sympathize with those stories because I was on the opposite end of that at one point in time. If you’re in a situation like this, I promise you that they will thank you some day, because you did the right thing.

If you’re scared to seek help, don’t be. You’ll only grow stronger and maybe one day you’ll be the author of an anonymous blog that aims at educating people on the darkest parts of your life.

Thanks for reading.