Day 1.

So I’ve decided to take things into my own hands. I’m going to help myself get better. After all it’s all really up to me anyways. My plan is to get back into doing yoga in the morning and eating a small breakfast and I want to work on my sleeping schedule. I think those are two good baby steps forward. Hopefully you’ll all support me in my choice to try to get better and help beat my anxiety and depression. I love you all so much, thank you for the love and support you have been showing me. It truly helps motivate me and make me feel better!

If you ever have any questions feel free to comment down below. Or if you want tips or ticks on how to get through the day or something let me know. I love helping others too. ❤️

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Lately I’ve lost motivation to do anything. I stopped seeing my therapist. My anxiety is higher than ever. My depression is back at full force. I feel so lost in all of this. So trapped with no escape.

I start crying over anything. Someone’s tone in their voice could change and I’ll start crying because I feel like it’s my fault. I feel like everything is my fault. That I don’t do enough. That I need to be doing more. But then I also don’t care nor have the motivation to do or fix any of my problems.

I’m not sure what to do right now. I just know I’m not okay and I don’t want to feel like this anymore.

Her.

I love her so much. Like all I want to do is make her happy and feel loved. She deserves the world and I know she doesn’t think she does. But she really really does. And I want to be the person to give it to her. I want to provide whatever she could possibly need. She’s absolutely beautiful. Literally, my heart stops every time I look at her still, even after being with her for 4 years. She takes my breath away. She’s so caring and kind. She works so hard for what she has and I couldn’t be more proud of the women she’s becoming. She has helped me through some of my darkest times in life and for that I’ll be forever thankful. I wrote a book about her my senior year for my English class and published it and made a copy for her. She’s literally my whole world, my everything. I wouldn’t be here without her. Every time she touches me I feels the fire in my stomach and my spark in my heart She gives me this look sometimes, it not a bad look or a sexual look. It’s just a quick in the moment look and everything that’s happening around us goes away and I’m just lost in her eyes. It makes my heart melt. I’m in love with her.

Alone.

I feel so alone.

I’m not okay.

I haven’t been okay for a while now.

I feel empty.

Lost.

I feel like I don’t belong here.

I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do right now.

I feel like no matter what I do it’s never ever good enough.

I feel like I don’t matter to anyone.

I feel like I don’t matter.

That’s a crappy feeling.

And I can’t get it to go away.

I can’t get this pain and sadness to go away.

I just want to be free from it.

It’s so hard to live with it.

I just can’t.

Hard

My mind is in a dark place.

I’m not scared, or at least I don’t think that I am.

I’m very very tired.

Tired of this constant battle with myself everyday.

Is it worth it?

Does anyone truly care?

Do I matter?

I feel invisible.

It’s not a pleasant feeling.

Nor is feeling like you don’t matter to anyone.

Feeling alone in your head is the worst.

I have no comfort.

Everything feels far away.

I try to pull myself back.

Back from my consuming thoughts.

But it’s hard.

Really hard.

Harder than most people realize.

I’m not sure what to do.

I don’t want to die.

If anything I want to live.

I want to be happy and full.

Day by Day

I'm learning to take things day by day, literally. Because I can't handle thinking too far ahead. It stresses me out and makes me anxious. I can hardly handle getting through the day sometimes. I feel like the day just drags on. That's when I get most uncomfortable because I feel like I should be doing a million other things but I'm there sitting at work, which I guess is a good thing because I'm making money but sometimes I get so anxious just sitting there at my desk that I have to physically get up and walk around to help myself calm down. Does anyone else get like that? Or is it just me?

The best advice I can give you right now is to take things day by day. Be present. Be here, where you are right now. Take a deep breath and breathe. Things will work out. Take things slow. Do things that make you happy. Do small task to help yourself feel good. Don't rush things. Don't dwell on things you have no control over. Move forward onto the next day, I know it feels impossible sometimes but you can do it.

I believe in you.

Messy.

Everything has been messy lately and I don't know what to do about it. I feel like everything is falling apart again. I'm tired of repeating all of this. I don't like this cycle. I just want everything to stay good once it gets there.

I feel like I get a good two days maybe a week of things being good, and then boom something happens and it comes crashing down.

I'm starting to feel lost. I don't like this feeling. I don't know what to do about anything anymore. I feel like nothing I do will make it better.

What am I supposed to do?

Darkness.

Darkness. It consumes me. Especially at night time, like right now for example. I can't sleep. And all I can think about is the negative things. Or things I've done wrong or should've done but I didn't. Like yesterday I should've posted more things to my shop and mailed out my packages. But I didn't. I could be sleeping right now, but I can't. I beat myself up mentally. I'm exhausted honestly. I'm so tired of myself. Is that even possible? To be tired of being you? I guess it is because that's exactly how I feel right now. I'm tired of being this version of "me." I want to change. I need to change. In a good way of course. But it's been a very long process. To try and train my mind to think differently, to learn to control my emotions and feelings. Some days I'm just too tired and that's when I break easily, I cry at basically anything. My feelings get hurt easily as well. I always think it's my fault.

I used to be really good at hiding my emotions and feelings. But now, now I'm an open book. You'll never know what mood I'll wake up in the next day. What emotion I'll be feeling in 5 minutes. It's a fucking roller coaster and I hate it. I just want everything to stop. I need to feel at peace with myself for once. But I feel like that day will never come.

I'm so lonely laying here in my big bed. I wish my girlfriend were here to hold me. She always makes me feel better even when my depression is drowning me.

I hate being alone. I overthink & cry for hours. Depression sucks. Fuck you depression & fuck you anxiety.

I'm too tired for this.

Rainy Days.

Here I am. Laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling. Listening to the rain drops clash upon my window repeatedly. Everything seems calm on the outside. Peaceful. Yet on the inside, it's a never ending sound of silent screaming.

I always put myself in a depressed mood when it's raining. Part of me loves the weather because it reflects my mood. But the other half of me hates it because it just adds on to my already crappy mood. I tend to just stay in bed all day and ignore my adult responsibilities. I just lay there and think about everything I could/should be doing at that moment. But I just lay there in my crappy mood and let it consume me.

I let it consume me so much to the point that I have no emotion because I'm over thinking everything. And I just frankly don't care.

My mind can be a very dark place if I let it wonder too much. I've learned things recently to help keep my mind in one place. I've recently started getting back into reading books and writing. I really enjoy reading mysteries and fantasy books. I like books that are dark and secretive. Like me. I also try to write out what I'm feeling because that helps me sometimes.

I also sleep a lot when it rains. Sleep is something I lack. I get 3-4 hours of sleep every night if I'm lucky. And yes I know it's not healthy. My doctors have told me before. I've tried sleeping medicine and it knocks me out for sure but it makes it too hard for me to wake myself up if I'm have no a nightmare. It like intensifies my nightmares. So my options for now are no sleep, maybe sleep, or sleep and have nightmares. I know, it sucks.

I've been stuck in this phase of not having any motivation to do anything, and that's a sign to me that my depression is saying hello and is slowly taking over me again.

I don't want it to take over me again.

I can't let that happen.

New Voice 

Hi. I am your new voice. You’ll be hearing about my struggles with the voices in my head. There will be days where I’ll post positive stuff and then there will be days where I’ll be extremely sad. It all Depends on how I feel that day. So hopefully you all will be supporting no matter what day I may be having. Hopefully you’ll enjoy my post and find them motivating or relatable. I’m excited and nervous to start my journey. 

– Liv